More deep thoughts

It's amazing to me how my perspective seems to change the older I get. I find myself wanting to think more about the deeper realities of life. For example, last night I had a distressing dream. In this dream, I was talking to one of my close friends in Tallahassee. I remember it being a somewhat normal conversation until she informed me that her boyfriend, who is a close friend of mine passed away. In the dream, I experienced many of the emotions that I believe would come if I indeed experienced something like that. It was hard. People close to me like my friends and family mean a lot to me and even though I know the plan of salvation is real it would be hard for me to lose somebody close to me. I woke up in the morning thinking that it wasn't a dream, but in fact it's really did happen. I almost called my friends in Florida to ask is it really did happen, and then to my relief I realized that it was a dream and that my friend is alive.

When I think more and more about this experience I indeed have thoughts where I think "that's was bit of a dramatic dream. Why would I have such a dream?" Do I fear that my friends or family will pass away and I will have to wait for a long time before I see them again after this life? I don't think about it that much, but when I do I admit that part of what I thrive on in my life is my interaction with good people. I am 60% extrovert and 40% introvert. I like my time alone, but I treasure my time with people I care about. I may not show it all the time, but that is one of my biggest strengths and my biggest weaknesses. That is also why I desire companionship in my life. I would love to have an eternal companionship with a woman and I admit that I have moments where I feel very lonely and wish I had someone to share the joys of this life with. Those are my deep thoughts for the day. Forgive me if they seemed a bit jumbled. That is often what happens when I start pouring my thoughts into a blog entry.  It is a very therapeutic thing for me to do, and I can only just hope that you may somewhat relate with what I'm thinking.

Being Honest with Myself

It has been a long time since I have done a blog entry. I finally got some special software that was suggested to me and it helps considerably in relieving the stress it takes to type a blog entry with my hands. So, today I am not typing I blog entry, but I am speaking it and the computer is typing it for me.

Today, I studied in "Preach My Gospel" the Christ-like attribute of humility. This morning, I was feeling a little bit down. Every person on this earth has weaknesses, and I was definitely feeling those today. This may sound dramatic, but I often feel like Nephi in The Book of Mormon where he says, "O wretched man that I am!" I sin like every other person on this earth and it is hard when I sin, because I am compelled to be humble, and realize that I am nothing without my Savior, Jesus Christ. As I was reading today, I realize that I am a very prideful person sometimes. I like to feel like I have a sense of purpose, and feel that I matter, but through those feelings, I often hate coming to the realization of how imperfect I am. It hurts even more when my imperfections keep me from experiencing the full blessings of the gospel. It hurts like none other, but like Nephi, when I realize that I can't do it without my Savior, Jesus Christ, and I rely on him and do all I can to live his gospel, there is hope.

It is amazing how I can go to church feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders, and then leave feeling like I can do anything. Then, the week starts over and the distractions of the world easily get in the way. Often, these distractions aren't horrible things by themselves, but if I get too engulfed in them I forget the Lord and I start thinking that I can do it all by myself again. Even though I read the Scriptures and I pray, it is easy when I get focused on things like looking for a new car, teaching multiple violin students in a city 3 1/2 hours away, spending time with people I care about, and so on to not truly make time for the Lord. This world keeps pushing itself farther and farther away from the true happiness of the gospel and it is easy to get on that track.

I share these thoughts today not to depress anyone or to call out for pity or help, but to share how I sometimes think when I decide to truly face the reality of life. I firmly believe that this is okay to do, and that we should all not be afraid to face it. It is the only way that we can discover how we truly are doing and how we can get better. If we pretend we are perfect and give others the impression that we don't make mistakes, then we are in denial and putting up a wall from truly finding out who we are and what we can become. If I ask a person how I think they are doing when I see them, it doesn't bother me if they say they say they are having a hard day, because that means that I can understand how I can help them more. We all have hard days and we have good days. Being positive is fine, but being honest is also important.

Being honest with yourself makes it possible for the Savior to work more effectively
in your life, and today I was reminded how important it is for me to do that. I can only hope that I will never forget that, and not try to hide from it.