Feeling the Love of Christ from People Closest to You

Blogging is becoming a daily thing for me lately, because I have been making it a part of my scripture study where I share with anybody who would like to hear things I have learned from the word of God.  If anybody is overwhelmed by the fact I blog so often just read one post that interests you and move on.  We are all busy.

Over the last few days I have experienced symptoms of being a bit sick and last night I was not feeling well.  Being sick can be hard for me, because it inhibits me from being productive with my time and not having the strength to be socially active.  Well, last night, I was feeling a bit sad because I wasn't feeling up to going to Institute, which is something I look forward to going to every week.  I just laid on my couch watching TV, which was nice for a short while, but lonely after awhile.  I will be honest that I wanted someone there to take care of me.  I wanted someone who truly knew me and loved me there with me.  It was selfish and child-like to think this way, but it was on my mind.  Eventually, I realized that I wanted my mom.  Being 26 years old, I felt almost stupid for thinking this way, but it was true.  I called my mom and talked to her for a while and I opened up to her about things I should have opened up about a while ago.  I felt like a child at home in my mother's arms expressing my inner struggles and frustrations and like my mom has always done, she took time out of her incredibly busy schedule to talk to me.  Mom, if you read this, I love you and I'm sorry I have sometimes been distant in the last few years.  I often didn't want to admit some of my struggles too much or make you worry about me, but then I realized something recently.  You tell the people closest to you about things you struggle with not to worry them, but to give them awareness of how they can support you.

Today I read a scripture in Alma  36:3 of the Book of Mormon where Alma is giving his son Helaman his final words of wisdom.  He says:

 "And now, O my son Helaman, behold, thou art in thy youth, and therefore, I beseech of thee that thou wilt hear my words and learn of me; for I do know that whosoever shall put their trust in God shall be supported in their trials, and their troubles, and their afflictions, and shall be lifted up at the last day."

I have experienced a lot of small trials in the last few weeks.  Some could say that the Lord doesn't love me, because he gave me these trials, but it is quite the opposite.  These trials have been some of the greatest blessings I could have hoped for.  They made me rely on the Lord and he blessed me in those trials through the love of other people.  For example, feeling sick last night caused me to remember the people I hold most dear in my life: my family.  It reminded me of what is most important in my life and talking to my mom helped me feel so much better.

I love the Lord.  I love my family.  I love my friends.  I want to give every person dear to me a hug and say, "My life wouldn't be the same without you.  Thank you for being a disciple of Christ and letting his love work through you."  I only hope that I can remember this throughout my life.

Preparing for the Future

I read a talk today by a prophet of God who was prophet for a very short time: Howard W. Hunter.  The talk is titled "Being a Righteous Husband and Father."  In my years in college as a single adult, it has always been easy for me to tune out talks like this.  It is easy to have thoughts like, "It could be a long time before I become a husband or father. . . I am not sure if that will ever even happen."  Today, I decided that talks like this definitely apply to me, because being a husband and a father is a sacred thing and if I am preparing myself to be a good husband and father, the Lord will know where my heart is and will be pleased that I have faith that I will sometime have this opportunity.

What can I do to prepare for fatherhood and marriage in my own life?  I have done it in a few ways so far, but lack in some areas.  Here are a few ideas that come to my head that are not ranked in any particular order.  They are just things that come to my head.

1. Do all I can to establish a career that I not only love, but will support a family.

2. Learn how to work with children.

3. Learn how to put others first and care about their needs before mine.  This involves serving others.

4. Be worthy to a temple recommend

5. Make Scripture Study and Prayer a priority in my life

6. Learn how to manage my finances effectively

7. Put the Lord first - Make his gospel a priority

8. Make time for people I care about, because when I get married, I need to make sure I can do this for my family.

9. Magnify my priesthood calling

There are many more things I am sure are important that I forgot, but it really hit me today that this is the time for me to become a man that the type of woman I would like to marry would want to be with for eternity.  I forget this way too often and it is time I stayed more on track.

Understanding True Eternal Companionship

The last week has been filled with blessings.  I can't express how grateful I am to my Heavenly Father for the love he has shown me.  I have hit a few trials lately and somehow through them all I have been happier than I have for a while.  Recently, I had a situation that I don't want to go into that brought me back to a question I have often asked myself: Will I ever have a relationship with a women where we not only both love the gospel of Jesus Christ with all our hearts but like (eventually love) each other equally as much as the other person?

I have never run into this . . never.  I don't mean to share this to make anyone feel sorry for me.  So many people in this world feel like I do.  It just has been on my mind.  I have come to realize through my years serving a mission and going to college that I am your atypical guy.  Why?  For starters, I am quite sensitive and strongly care for people close for me.  I am not afraid to cry in spiritual experiences or cry with people who are struggling.  I am very open with people I'm close to and trust and will do anything for them if they are in need and I am able.  I am more than willing to talk to guys and girls alike about deep topics in life even if they involve the harder, emotional topics.  Also, as far as interests go I love the arts, watching good movies and playing fun games.  Sports aren't that important to me, even though I have enjoyed going to an occasional football game here and there.  I just don't make them a big part of my life unless they bring me together with people I care about.  I like to exercise and enjoy hiking and canoeing when I make it a priority to go.  To put it simply, I am a sensitive guy who is very different from many of the guys of this world.

When I truly think about this, I'm okay with it.  I am happy with who I truly am.  I just notice that I tend to question in certain times of my life.  The two main situations I find myself questioning are the following:

1. When I sin

2. When a girl is willing to be my friend, but can never see me as more than that.

I would like to focus on #2.  I have noticed the same trend with me.  When I get interested in a girl, I focus on getting to know her as a person and building a friendship before actually considering dating her.  Then, when I get to the point where I find myself truly interested in her and test it out through a few or quite a few dates, it ends with the girl telling me that she isn't interested in being more than friends.  Honestly, I strongly believe that I should have a foundation (a friendship) in a relationship with a girl before we take it to another level.  I don't want to enter a relationship with selfish thoughts like: Oh, she could be MY eternal companion.  I would rather think: I want to build a friendship with her and be the best friend I can and if WE start to see it as having potential, I want us to have a mutual agreement that WE really care for one another and want to build a closer relationship.  Is this bad?  I have a hard time seeing it as a bad thing, because eternal marriage is about being a team and the husband and wife each giving their 100%.  Shouldn't they have a firm foundation of friendship that develops into love?  I see so many relationships where they jump in head first because they are attracted to each other physically, but that eventually backfires, because there is so much more to it than that.  My wife and I won't have the same young attractive bodies forever.  Our love needs to be based on more than physical attraction.  It is certainly a part of it, but not the foundation.  

Now, I know I am not married and I am not an expert, but these are things that I thing about in regards to marriage and dating.  This way of thinking combined with my atypical personality have made it so that I think girls are not used to a guy like me and therefore may be put off by me.  I don't know. BUT . . .

This weekend, I had a reminder of such situations and I was blessed to have close friends who not only let me talk to them about it, but hung out with me for the majority of the weekend.  They reminded me of what true friendship is.  Also, I had family that I talked to this weekend that reminded me of the love I feel for them and how grateful I am that I will have them eternally.  And to top it off, through communication with my Heavenly Father, I have been able to find a way to find happiness through this trial.  Through that all, I have found peace and more understanding of what true companionship is to me . . . and that is what really matters.

Movies: A Blessing and a Curse

Today, I was pondering about something that has been in the back of my mind for years.  It's kind of a controversial topic in the church that I have become more confused about it  since I left home for college.  In my family, we have always made it a point to not watch R-rated movies.  I was told growing up that the prophet said not to watch R-rated movies and so I did my best to avoid it.  At one point in school, a student teacher in my gym class in high school told us we would watch a R-rated movie and said we were sissies if we didn't want to watch it.  In this case, I didn't stand strong and I didn't tell my parents about it.  I went ahead and watched it.  We watched "Lord of the Flies", and it was rated R mainly due to the language and subject.  I didn't feel good watching it at all and felt guilty afterwards.  I vowed after that day to never watch an R-rated movie again and it certainly didn't hurt my life up to now.

Though I have made this choice not to watch such movies, I have seen multiple members of the church watch R-rated movies and many of these people are ones that I love and respect dearly.  Many of them were people who are diligent members of the church who are faithful in keeping the commandments.  This confused me that they would watch R-rated movies especially when the prophet said not do.  Therefore, today, I wanted to understand this principle better.  This is what I found:

The only prophet that I could find who blatantly said to not watch R-rated movies was President Ezra Taft Benson.  The talk he said it in was "To the Youth of the Noble Birthright" in April 1986 where he said to the youth, “The lusts of your eyes.” In our day, what does that expression mean?  Movies, television programs, and video recordings that are both suggestive and lewd.  Magazines and books that are obscene and pornographic.  We counsel you, young men, not to pollute your minds with such degrading matter, for the mind through which this filth passes is never the same afterwards. Don’t see R-rated movies or vulgar videos or participate in any entertainment that is immoral, suggestive, or pornographic. Don’t listen to music that is degrading."

This counsel that President Benson gives is very important, especially for young men in the church and I would say it applies to all members of the church, but the focus here is "vulgar videos or .. . entertainment that is immoral, suggestive, or pornographic."  I would have to agree that most R-rated movies fit into this category and therefore have such a rating given to them.  I have received the argument though that not all R-rated movies are vulgar, immoral, suggestive, or pornographic.  I read an article by Orson Scott Card called "Is There an R-rated Movie Commandment?" that I found interesting that was written in response to "The Passion of the Christ" movie.  Orson Scott Card is a member of the church and appears to be quite active.  He said about the movie, "There is nothing in this film that appeals to the "lusts of your eyes"; there is nothing "lewd" or "obscene" or "immoral, suggestive, or pornographic."  Quite the contrary. This film inspires you to feel gratitude to the Savior and love for those that he loved and who loved him. It inspires you with a dread of and revulsion for Satan and all his ways. It leaves you with a broken heart and a contrite spirit." 

 I admit that I looked down on the movie, "The Passion of the Christ" in high school because it was rated R and I had vowed not to see R-rated movies.  It came out my junior year and my Christian friends couldn't understand why I didn't want to see the movie.  It was R-rated for its graphic, realistic portrayal of the Savior's atonement.  I look back and wonder if I should have thought that through a little more.  I am not sure whether I want to see this movie, because I have seen movies not so graphic made by the church about the Savior's atonement and left with the same feelings Orson Scott Card described about this movie.  After all, to truly portray the Savior's atonement in a film like it truly happened would give it an R rating.  There are many parts of the scriptures that are this way. 

I also should mention that there are some highly inspiring R-rated movies that I have seen edited such as Glory, Courage Under Fire, and Gladiator.  I don't regret seeing these movies at all, but the question I do have is: Would I regret it if I saw these movies unedited? That's the difficult question.  And . . . do I want to find out? 

Another thing to be aware of his how PG-13 movies have gotten worse and worse over the years.  I talked about my experience seeing the R-rated movie Lord of the Flies, but I've seen movies with worse vulgar content than that movie such as The Butterfly Effect, Titanic, Pitch Perfect and many others.  Does that mean we should watch them, because the prophet didn't say we shouldn't watch PG-13 movies? To top it all off, TV has some horrible stuff on it too.  There are shows out there that people love that have horrible content in them that are vulgar and inappropriate.  

I guess my overall approach to things is making sure I know about what kind of content is in a movie before I watch it.  Being cautious is worth it to me, because I believe that movies have a larger effect on people than they want to admit.  If I watch movies with pornographic material, then I am poisoning my mind with thoughts that push away the spirit and make it very difficult for virtue to garnish my thoughts.  If I watch a movie that glorifies violence such as horror movies do the spirit is pushed away and desensitizes me to violence.

Through this blog post I feel like I have discovered the importance of understanding why people may watch certain R-rated movies, but I still have to say that I think it should still be a rarity in our lives.  For me, I am afraid if I crossed that line too much I would justify that watching any R-rated movie is okay and before I know it, I've gone too far.  To add to that, I repeat the importance of being careful of even PG-13 movies. Ask questions like: What are these movies doing for me?  Are they pushing me away from God or desensitizing me to sacred things?  I admit that I forget this sometimes when I watch different forms of entertainment.

In the end, the most important thing is coming to Christ, and if my entertainment is part of what takes me away from coming unto Christ, which usually begins in how we think, then I should be more cautious.

Blessings through Trials

My heart is full on this late Tuesday night.  Ironically, a few days ago, I wouldn't have thought that I would be so happy Tuesday evening.  My last two weeks have been full of a wide array of emotions ranging from the happy and blessed to nights full of anxiety that kept me from falling asleep until very late.  On Sunday, October 20th, I suffered an overuse injury in my right hand from over-playing and pushing myself too hard.  This forced me to take a full week off from playing my violin.  Part of me was relieved to have an excuse to take a break, but what scared me was that I had my culminating Master's Recital on November 23rd.  I knew I couldn't stop playing for long.  Therefore, I iced and heated my hands multiple times and received multiple hand massages, but it healed slower than I wanted it to.  

On Sunday, October 27th, I felt it was time I could start playing again.  But, when I did, I jumped into it too quickly by trying to play a three hour opera rehearsal.  This caused me to suffer a small left hand injury along with bringing back a little bit of problems in my right hand.  This is when I started to worry.  I didn't know how things could work out.  Not only was I losing more preparation time for my recital, I was about to embark on the most demanding week in orchestra of the semester: the week of the performances for the opera, Romeo and Juliet by Gounod.  My schedule was as follows:

Sunday, October 27th - 1-4 P.M.

Monday, October 28th - 7-10 P.M.

Tuesday, October 29th - 7-10:30 P.M.

Thursday-Saturday - Performances: 7:30 P.M. - 10:30 P.M.

Sunday, November 3rd - 3:00-6:00 P.M

How could I recover from an injury, play an opera, and prepare my culminating Master's Recital?  It seemed impossible.  BUT, I kept telling myself that I had to play this recital.  I had to do it.  My brother, Jeremy had paid for a plan ticket to come out and couldn't bare to make him lose that money, because of me.  Wednesday night, the night before a big test on Mozart's Requiem in my Analysis of Masterworks class, I couldn't sleep.  I had done minimal study for the test, because I couldn't concentrate.  My mind was spinning like crazy.  I didn't know what to do.

Thursday, I took the test and I am not sure how I did and I didn't really care that much about it, which is unusual for me.  That night, while everybody celebrated Halloween, I played the opera.  Every night I had played the opera up to then I had to take lots of breaks just to make it through the opera without injuring myself again.  After the opera, I went home and I called me mom and she did something I will be forever grateful for, she told me that it was perfectly okay to cancel my recital and reschedule it for next semester.  As soon as my mom said those words the weight and anxiety I had been feeling lifted off my shoulders.  I felt hope that everything would be okay and that I could in fact heal from my injury and play a successful recital.  So, that's my plan.  I will ease slowly back into playing over the rest of this semester and do my recital next semester.

What did I learn from this experience?  I learned that the Lord is mindful of me.  How?  I was blessed with a trial to force me back to the right prospective in my life.  For the last two months, I have been practicing so much that I haven't really made time for what's important: the Lord.  I wasn't making time for family or friends, but focusing mainly on myself.  I was relying on my own strength and not on the Lord.  The Lord wasn't a big part of my life.  But, he reminded me how much he is in my life.  Let me explain ways in which he showed that.  I will say specific names so that I can remember these moments more specifically:

After three days of not playing my violin and having very little improvement in my injury, on Wednesday, October 24th, I was starting to get scared.  I send out a facebook message for help with hand massages and even though it was a weird request, my friend, Melyssa Murphy offered to help me the next day even though she hadn't given a hand massage before.  But, even though that was helpful, I still found myself having anxiety.  I finally contacted my friend Katherine Littlefield Thursday night needing a friend to talk to .  She came over to my house and listened to my fears and anxieties without complaint.  Then, she helped me get a hold of my friend, Ethan Sivek to get a blessing at 11:30 that night.  Through the worthy, good priesthood holder that Ethan is, the Lord gave me simple direction: keep the commandments and live the gospel.  This hit me hard.  It hit me that I had not been living the gospel the way I should over the last few months and I needed to do better.

The next Monday, my friend Jennifer Walters gave me a hand massage and on top of that I found special crafter's gloves for people struggling with hand pain on my doorstep with an anonymous note.  On Wednesday night, I was able to express my concerns and problems to my friend Zoe Crook and other close friends.  Of course the culminating moment was with my Mom on Thursday night.  How grateful I am for wise parents and a loving brother (Jeremy) who love me so much that they don't let money be a concern.  I love them dearly for that.

On Saturday after cancelling the recital, my friend, Ethan hung out almost the whole day with me, which really meant a lot to me.  It helped me to have a guy friend to talk to about concerns in both our lives.  It was very rewarding and I am grateful for it.  Since then, the opportunities to be around people and put the gospel first have flowed in the more I have asked for them.  I am truly grateful for the tender mercies the Lord showed me in this experience through other people.  The gospel is true and when we follow it faithfully things work together for our good.