Friday, December 20, 2013

More deep thoughts

It's amazing to me how my perspective seems to change the older I get. I find myself wanting to think more about the deeper realities of life. For example, last night I had a distressing dream. In this dream, I was talking to one of my close friends in Tallahassee. I remember it being a somewhat normal conversation until she informed me that her boyfriend, who is a close friend of mine passed away. In the dream, I experienced many of the emotions that I believe would come if I indeed experienced something like that. It was hard. People close to me like my friends and family mean a lot to me and even though I know the plan of salvation is real it would be hard for me to lose somebody close to me. I woke up in the morning thinking that it wasn't a dream, but in fact it's really did happen. I almost called my friends in Florida to ask is it really did happen, and then to my relief I realized that it was a dream and that my friend is alive.

When I think more and more about this experience I indeed have thoughts where I think "that's was bit of a dramatic dream. Why would I have such a dream?" Do I fear that my friends or family will pass away and I will have to wait for a long time before I see them again after this life? I don't think about it that much, but when I do I admit that part of what I thrive on in my life is my interaction with good people. I am 60% extrovert and 40% introvert. I like my time alone, but I treasure my time with people I care about. I may not show it all the time, but that is one of my biggest strengths and my biggest weaknesses. That is also why I desire companionship in my life. I would love to have an eternal companionship with a woman and I admit that I have moments where I feel very lonely and wish I had someone to share the joys of this life with. Those are my deep thoughts for the day. Forgive me if they seemed a bit jumbled. That is often what happens when I start pouring my thoughts into a blog entry.  It is a very therapeutic thing for me to do, and I can only just hope that you may somewhat relate with what I'm thinking.

Monday, December 16, 2013

Being Honest with Myself

It has been a long time since I have done a blog entry. I finally got some special software that was suggested to me and it helps considerably in relieving the stress it takes to type a blog entry with my hands. So, today I am not typing I blog entry, but I am speaking it and the computer is typing it for me.

Today, I studied in "Preach My Gospel" the Christ-like attribute of humility. This morning, I was feeling a little bit down. Every person on this earth has weaknesses, and I was definitely feeling those today. This may sound dramatic, but I often feel like Nephi in The Book of Mormon where he says, "O wretched man that I am!" I sin like every other person on this earth and it is hard when I sin, because I am compelled to be humble, and realize that I am nothing without my Savior, Jesus Christ. As I was reading today, I realize that I am a very prideful person sometimes. I like to feel like I have a sense of purpose, and feel that I matter, but through those feelings, I often hate coming to the realization of how imperfect I am. It hurts even more when my imperfections keep me from experiencing the full blessings of the gospel. It hurts like none other, but like Nephi, when I realize that I can't do it without my Savior, Jesus Christ, and I rely on him and do all I can to live his gospel, there is hope.

It is amazing how I can go to church feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders, and then leave feeling like I can do anything. Then, the week starts over and the distractions of the world easily get in the way. Often, these distractions aren't horrible things by themselves, but if I get too engulfed in them I forget the Lord and I start thinking that I can do it all by myself again. Even though I read the Scriptures and I pray, it is easy when I get focused on things like looking for a new car, teaching multiple violin students in a city 3 1/2 hours away, spending time with people I care about, and so on to not truly make time for the Lord. This world keeps pushing itself farther and farther away from the true happiness of the gospel and it is easy to get on that track.

I share these thoughts today not to depress anyone or to call out for pity or help, but to share how I sometimes think when I decide to truly face the reality of life. I firmly believe that this is okay to do, and that we should all not be afraid to face it. It is the only way that we can discover how we truly are doing and how we can get better. If we pretend we are perfect and give others the impression that we don't make mistakes, then we are in denial and putting up a wall from truly finding out who we are and what we can become. If I ask a person how I think they are doing when I see them, it doesn't bother me if they say they say they are having a hard day, because that means that I can understand how I can help them more. We all have hard days and we have good days. Being positive is fine, but being honest is also important.

Being honest with yourself makes it possible for the Savior to work more effectively
in your life, and today I was reminded how important it is for me to do that. I can only hope that I will never forget that, and not try to hide from it.

Thursday, November 14, 2013

Feeling the Love of Christ from People Closest to You

Blogging is becoming a daily thing for me lately, because I have been making it a part of my scripture study where I share with anybody who would like to hear things I have learned from the word of God.  If anybody is overwhelmed by the fact I blog so often just read one post that interests you and move on.  We are all busy.

Over the last few days I have experienced symptoms of being a bit sick and last night I was not feeling well.  Being sick can be hard for me, because it inhibits me from being productive with my time and not having the strength to be socially active.  Well, last night, I was feeling a bit sad because I wasn't feeling up to going to Institute, which is something I look forward to going to every week.  I just laid on my couch watching TV, which was nice for a short while, but lonely after awhile.  I will be honest that I wanted someone there to take care of me.  I wanted someone who truly knew me and loved me there with me.  It was selfish and child-like to think this way, but it was on my mind.  Eventually, I realized that I wanted my mom.  Being 26 years old, I felt almost stupid for thinking this way, but it was true.  I called my mom and talked to her for a while and I opened up to her about things I should have opened up about a while ago.  I felt like a child at home in my mother's arms expressing my inner struggles and frustrations and like my mom has always done, she took time out of her incredibly busy schedule to talk to me.  Mom, if you read this, I love you and I'm sorry I have sometimes been distant in the last few years.  I often didn't want to admit some of my struggles too much or make you worry about me, but then I realized something recently.  You tell the people closest to you about things you struggle with not to worry them, but to give them awareness of how they can support you.

Today I read a scripture in Alma  36:3 of the Book of Mormon where Alma is giving his son Helaman his final words of wisdom.  He says:

 "And now, O my son Helaman, behold, thou art in thy youth, and therefore, I beseech of thee that thou wilt hear my words and learn of me; for I do know that whosoever shall put their trust in God shall be supported in their trials, and their troubles, and their afflictions, and shall be lifted up at the last day."

I have experienced a lot of small trials in the last few weeks.  Some could say that the Lord doesn't love me, because he gave me these trials, but it is quite the opposite.  These trials have been some of the greatest blessings I could have hoped for.  They made me rely on the Lord and he blessed me in those trials through the love of other people.  For example, feeling sick last night caused me to remember the people I hold most dear in my life: my family.  It reminded me of what is most important in my life and talking to my mom helped me feel so much better.

I love the Lord.  I love my family.  I love my friends.  I want to give every person dear to me a hug and say, "My life wouldn't be the same without you.  Thank you for being a disciple of Christ and letting his love work through you."  I only hope that I can remember this throughout my life.

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Preparing for the Future

I read a talk today by a prophet of God who was prophet for a very short time: Howard W. Hunter.  The talk is titled "Being a Righteous Husband and Father."  In my years in college as a single adult, it has always been easy for me to tune out talks like this.  It is easy to have thoughts like, "It could be a long time before I become a husband or father. . . I am not sure if that will ever even happen."  Today, I decided that talks like this definitely apply to me, because being a husband and a father is a sacred thing and if I am preparing myself to be a good husband and father, the Lord will know where my heart is and will be pleased that I have faith that I will sometime have this opportunity.

What can I do to prepare for fatherhood and marriage in my own life?  I have done it in a few ways so far, but lack in some areas.  Here are a few ideas that come to my head that are not ranked in any particular order.  They are just things that come to my head.

1. Do all I can to establish a career that I not only love, but will support a family.
2. Learn how to work with children.
3. Learn how to put others first and care about their needs before mine.  This involves serving others.
4. Be worthy to a temple recommend
5. Make Scripture Study and Prayer a priority in my life
6. Learn how to manage my finances effectively
7. Put the Lord first - Make his gospel a priority
8. Make time for people I care about, because when I get married, I need to make sure I can do this for my family.
9. Magnify my priesthood calling

There are many more things I am sure are important that I forgot, but it really hit me today that this is the time for me to become a man that the type of woman I would like to marry would want to be with for eternity.  I forget this way too often and it is time I stayed more on track.

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Understanding True Eternal Companionship

The last week has been filled with blessings.  I can't express how grateful I am to my Heavenly Father for the love he has shown me.  I have hit a few trials lately and somehow through them all I have been happier than I have for a while.  Recently, I had a situation that I don't want to go into that brought me back to a question I have often asked myself: Will I ever have a relationship with a women where we not only both love the gospel of Jesus Christ with all our hearts but like (eventually love) each other equally as much as the other person?

I have never run into this . . never.  I don't mean to share this to make anyone feel sorry for me.  So many people in this world feel like I do.  It just has been on my mind.  I have come to realize through my years serving a mission and going to college that I am your atypical guy.  Why?  For starters, I am quite sensitive and strongly care for people close for me.  I am not afraid to cry in spiritual experiences or cry with people who are struggling.  I am very open with people I'm close to and trust and will do anything for them if they are in need and I am able.  I am more than willing to talk to guys and girls alike about deep topics in life even if they involve the harder, emotional topics.  Also, as far as interests go I love the arts, watching good movies and playing fun games.  Sports aren't that important to me, even though I have enjoyed going to an occasional football game here and there.  I just don't make them a big part of my life unless they bring me together with people I care about.  I like to exercise and enjoy hiking and canoeing when I make it a priority to go.  To put it simply, I am a sensitive guy who is very different from many of the guys of this world.

When I truly think about this, I'm okay with it.  I am happy with who I truly am.  I just notice that I tend to question in certain times of my life.  The two main situations I find myself questioning are the following:

1. When I sin
2. When a girl is willing to be my friend, but can never see me as more than that.

I would like to focus on #2.  I have noticed the same trend with me.  When I get interested in a girl, I focus on getting to know her as a person and building a friendship before actually considering dating her.  Then, when I get to the point where I find myself truly interested in her and test it out through a few or quite a few dates, it ends with the girl telling me that she isn't interested in being more than friends.  Honestly, I strongly believe that I should have a foundation (a friendship) in a relationship with a girl before we take it to another level.  I don't want to enter a relationship with selfish thoughts like: Oh, she could be MY eternal companion.  I would rather think: I want to build a friendship with her and be the best friend I can and if WE start to see it as having potential, I want us to have a mutual agreement that WE really care for one another and want to build a closer relationship.  Is this bad?  I have a hard time seeing it as a bad thing, because eternal marriage is about being a team and the husband and wife each giving their 100%.  Shouldn't they have a firm foundation of friendship that develops into love?  I see so many relationships where they jump in head first because they are attracted to each other physically, but that eventually backfires, because there is so much more to it than that.  My wife and I won't have the same young attractive bodies forever.  Our love needs to be based on more than physical attraction.  It is certainly a part of it, but not the foundation.  

Now, I know I am not married and I am not an expert, but these are things that I thing about in regards to marriage and dating.  This way of thinking combined with my atypical personality have made it so that I think girls are not used to a guy like me and therefore may be put off by me.  I don't know. BUT . . .

This weekend, I had a reminder of such situations and I was blessed to have close friends who not only let me talk to them about it, but hung out with me for the majority of the weekend.  They reminded me of what true friendship is.  Also, I had family that I talked to this weekend that reminded me of the love I feel for them and how grateful I am that I will have them eternally.  And to top it off, through communication with my Heavenly Father, I have been able to find a way to find happiness through this trial.  Through that all, I have found peace and more understanding of what true companionship is to me . . . and that is what really matters.


Thursday, November 7, 2013

Movies: A Blessing and a Curse

Today, I was pondering about something that has been in the back of my mind for years.  It's kind of a controversial topic in the church that I have become more confused about it  since I left home for college.  In my family, we have always made it a point to not watch R-rated movies.  I was told growing up that the prophet said not to watch R-rated movies and so I did my best to avoid it.  At one point in school, a student teacher in my gym class in high school told us we would watch a R-rated movie and said we were sissies if we didn't want to watch it.  In this case, I didn't stand strong and I didn't tell my parents about it.  I went ahead and watched it.  We watched "Lord of the Flies", and it was rated R mainly due to the language and subject.  I didn't feel good watching it at all and felt guilty afterwards.  I vowed after that day to never watch an R-rated movie again and it certainly didn't hurt my life up to now.

Though I have made this choice not to watch such movies, I have seen multiple members of the church watch R-rated movies and many of these people are ones that I love and respect dearly.  Many of them were people who are diligent members of the church who are faithful in keeping the commandments.  This confused me that they would watch R-rated movies especially when the prophet said not do.  Therefore, today, I wanted to understand this principle better.  This is what I found:

The only prophet that I could find who blatantly said to not watch R-rated movies was President Ezra Taft Benson.  The talk he said it in was "To the Youth of the Noble Birthright" in April 1986 where he said to the youth, “The lusts of your eyes.” In our day, what does that expression mean?  Movies, television programs, and video recordings that are both suggestive and lewd.  Magazines and books that are obscene and pornographic.  We counsel you, young men, not to pollute your minds with such degrading matter, for the mind through which this filth passes is never the same afterwards. Don’t see R-rated movies or vulgar videos or participate in any entertainment that is immoral, suggestive, or pornographic. Don’t listen to music that is degrading."

This counsel that President Benson gives is very important, especially for young men in the church and I would say it applies to all members of the church, but the focus here is "vulgar videos or .. . entertainment that is immoral, suggestive, or pornographic."  I would have to agree that most R-rated movies fit into this category and therefore have such a rating given to them.  I have received the argument though that not all R-rated movies are vulgar, immoral, suggestive, or pornographic.  I read an article by Orson Scott Card called "Is There an R-rated Movie Commandment?" that I found interesting that was written in response to "The Passion of the Christ" movie.  Orson Scott Card is a member of the church and appears to be quite active.  He said about the movie, "There is nothing in this film that appeals to the "lusts of your eyes"; there is nothing "lewd" or "obscene" or "immoral, suggestive, or pornographic."  Quite the contrary. This film inspires you to feel gratitude to the Savior and love for those that he loved and who loved him. It inspires you with a dread of and revulsion for Satan and all his ways. It leaves you with a broken heart and a contrite spirit." 

 I admit that I looked down on the movie, "The Passion of the Christ" in high school because it was rated R and I had vowed not to see R-rated movies.  It came out my junior year and my Christian friends couldn't understand why I didn't want to see the movie.  It was R-rated for its graphic, realistic portrayal of the Savior's atonement.  I look back and wonder if I should have thought that through a little more.  I am not sure whether I want to see this movie, because I have seen movies not so graphic made by the church about the Savior's atonement and left with the same feelings Orson Scott Card described about this movie.  After all, to truly portray the Savior's atonement in a film like it truly happened would give it an R rating.  There are many parts of the scriptures that are this way. 

I also should mention that there are some highly inspiring R-rated movies that I have seen edited such as Glory, Courage Under Fire, and Gladiator.  I don't regret seeing these movies at all, but the question I do have is: Would I regret it if I saw these movies unedited? That's the difficult question.  And . . . do I want to find out? 

Another thing to be aware of his how PG-13 movies have gotten worse and worse over the years.  I talked about my experience seeing the R-rated movie Lord of the Flies, but I've seen movies with worse vulgar content than that movie such as The Butterfly Effect, Titanic, Pitch Perfect and many others.  Does that mean we should watch them, because the prophet didn't say we shouldn't watch PG-13 movies? To top it all off, TV has some horrible stuff on it too.  There are shows out there that people love that have horrible content in them that are vulgar and inappropriate.  

I guess my overall approach to things is making sure I know about what kind of content is in a movie before I watch it.  Being cautious is worth it to me, because I believe that movies have a larger effect on people than they want to admit.  If I watch movies with pornographic material, then I am poisoning my mind with thoughts that push away the spirit and make it very difficult for virtue to garnish my thoughts.  If I watch a movie that glorifies violence such as horror movies do the spirit is pushed away and desensitizes me to violence.

Through this blog post I feel like I have discovered the importance of understanding why people may watch certain R-rated movies, but I still have to say that I think it should still be a rarity in our lives.  For me, I am afraid if I crossed that line too much I would justify that watching any R-rated movie is okay and before I know it, I've gone too far.  To add to that, I repeat the importance of being careful of even PG-13 movies. Ask questions like: What are these movies doing for me?  Are they pushing me away from God or desensitizing me to sacred things?  I admit that I forget this sometimes when I watch different forms of entertainment.

In the end, the most important thing is coming to Christ, and if my entertainment is part of what takes me away from coming unto Christ, which usually begins in how we think, then I should be more cautious.


Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Blessings through Trials

My heart is full on this late Tuesday night.  Ironically, a few days ago, I wouldn't have thought that I would be so happy Tuesday evening.  My last two weeks have been full of a wide array of emotions ranging from the happy and blessed to nights full of anxiety that kept me from falling asleep until very late.  On Sunday, October 20th, I suffered an overuse injury in my right hand from over-playing and pushing myself too hard.  This forced me to take a full week off from playing my violin.  Part of me was relieved to have an excuse to take a break, but what scared me was that I had my culminating Master's Recital on November 23rd.  I knew I couldn't stop playing for long.  Therefore, I iced and heated my hands multiple times and received multiple hand massages, but it healed slower than I wanted it to.  

On Sunday, October 27th, I felt it was time I could start playing again.  But, when I did, I jumped into it too quickly by trying to play a three hour opera rehearsal.  This caused me to suffer a small left hand injury along with bringing back a little bit of problems in my right hand.  This is when I started to worry.  I didn't know how things could work out.  Not only was I losing more preparation time for my recital, I was about to embark on the most demanding week in orchestra of the semester: the week of the performances for the opera, Romeo and Juliet by Gounod.  My schedule was as follows:

Sunday, October 27th - 1-4 P.M.
Monday, October 28th - 7-10 P.M.
Tuesday, October 29th - 7-10:30 P.M.
Thursday-Saturday - Performances: 7:30 P.M. - 10:30 P.M.
Sunday, November 3rd - 3:00-6:00 P.M

How could I recover from an injury, play an opera, and prepare my culminating Master's Recital?  It seemed impossible.  BUT, I kept telling myself that I had to play this recital.  I had to do it.  My brother, Jeremy had paid for a plan ticket to come out and couldn't bare to make him lose that money, because of me.  Wednesday night, the night before a big test on Mozart's Requiem in my Analysis of Masterworks class, I couldn't sleep.  I had done minimal study for the test, because I couldn't concentrate.  My mind was spinning like crazy.  I didn't know what to do.

Thursday, I took the test and I am not sure how I did and I didn't really care that much about it, which is unusual for me.  That night, while everybody celebrated Halloween, I played the opera.  Every night I had played the opera up to then I had to take lots of breaks just to make it through the opera without injuring myself again.  After the opera, I went home and I called me mom and she did something I will be forever grateful for, she told me that it was perfectly okay to cancel my recital and reschedule it for next semester.  As soon as my mom said those words the weight and anxiety I had been feeling lifted off my shoulders.  I felt hope that everything would be okay and that I could in fact heal from my injury and play a successful recital.  So, that's my plan.  I will ease slowly back into playing over the rest of this semester and do my recital next semester.

What did I learn from this experience?  I learned that the Lord is mindful of me.  How?  I was blessed with a trial to force me back to the right prospective in my life.  For the last two months, I have been practicing so much that I haven't really made time for what's important: the Lord.  I wasn't making time for family or friends, but focusing mainly on myself.  I was relying on my own strength and not on the Lord.  The Lord wasn't a big part of my life.  But, he reminded me how much he is in my life.  Let me explain ways in which he showed that.  I will say specific names so that I can remember these moments more specifically:

After three days of not playing my violin and having very little improvement in my injury, on Wednesday, October 24th, I was starting to get scared.  I send out a facebook message for help with hand massages and even though it was a weird request, my friend, Melyssa Murphy offered to help me the next day even though she hadn't given a hand massage before.  But, even though that was helpful, I still found myself having anxiety.  I finally contacted my friend Katherine Littlefield Thursday night needing a friend to talk to .  She came over to my house and listened to my fears and anxieties without complaint.  Then, she helped me get a hold of my friend, Ethan Sivek to get a blessing at 11:30 that night.  Through the worthy, good priesthood holder that Ethan is, the Lord gave me simple direction: keep the commandments and live the gospel.  This hit me hard.  It hit me that I had not been living the gospel the way I should over the last few months and I needed to do better.

The next Monday, my friend Jennifer Walters gave me a hand massage and on top of that I found special crafter's gloves for people struggling with hand pain on my doorstep with an anonymous note.  On Wednesday night, I was able to express my concerns and problems to my friend Zoe Crook and other close friends.  Of course the culminating moment was with my Mom on Thursday night.  How grateful I am for wise parents and a loving brother (Jeremy) who love me so much that they don't let money be a concern.  I love them dearly for that.

On Saturday after cancelling the recital, my friend, Ethan hung out almost the whole day with me, which really meant a lot to me.  It helped me to have a guy friend to talk to about concerns in both our lives.  It was very rewarding and I am grateful for it.  Since then, the opportunities to be around people and put the gospel first have flowed in the more I have asked for them.  I am truly grateful for the tender mercies the Lord showed me in this experience through other people.  The gospel is true and when we follow it faithfully things work together for our good.


Thursday, October 17, 2013

Tender Mercies to Remind Me of My Father in Heaven

On a daily basis this week, the Lord has reminded me how much he loves me.  Here are a few tender mercies he gave me:

Saturday
 On Friday afternoon, I found out that the bow I am using with the violin I am borrowing from my teacher had some problems that I needed to get fixed right away if I wanted to continue using it to prepare for my recital.  The only problem was that the nearest reliable violin shop to Tallahassee is in Atlanta, which is 5-6 hours away.  Luckily, I had the weekend off from my Montgomery job, because I had an orchestra concert on Friday night.  So, I took advantage of a mostly free Saturday and traveled to Atlanta.  

The only problem with going to Atlanta on Saturday was that I had promised to do something with a friend in the evening in Tallahassee, and I wasn't going to let them down.  I had looked forward to it all week.  To ensure this didn't happen, I woke up at 5:30 in the morning on Saturday after getting about 4 and a half hours of sleep and made the drive.  Now, this situation sounds pretty crazy and scary, doesn't it?  Some could say that I had hit a huge misfortune of having to make this trip to Atlanta, but here are the tender mercies the Lord showed me:

There happened to be another violinist that needed to go to Atlanta to get work done on his violin and two bows, and even though he wasn't able to drive (he's an international student), I had someone there to talk to when he was able to stay awake.  He also paid half the gas, which is a blessing.  Also, when I was getting really tired on the drive, I said a little prayer that I would be able to make it and somehow I hit a second wind and made it throughout the rest of the day without any problems.  To add to that, I got the opportunity to talk to my sister, Alena for an hour, which really meant a lot to me.  The last tender mercy was an unexpected one.  I got home a lot later than I had planned and I thought for sure that my friend would be upset, but instead, they were understanding and we still had a wonderful evening.

Sunday
Church in itself was a tender mercy to me this last Sunday.  All the lessons and the testimonies said things that I really needed to hear.  I also was able to bear my testimony, which was a great strengthening experience.  In the evening, I got to accompany a talented soprano in my ward on "O Divine Redeemer".

Monday
After not having time to play violin for two days, I performed two pieces in Studio class quite well.
Tuesday
After being in Tallahassee for more than a year, the full-time missionaries finally invited me to come teach a lesson with them to a student who is also musically inclined.  It uplifted me in a way that day that I desperately needed.
Wednesday
This Saturday night, our ward is have a Halloween Dance and I have been determined to create a fun costume.  Well, I have been so busy, that it has been hard to find time to even think about it.  I have been planning on being a Ringwraith from the Lord of the Rings and I was having a hard time figuring out the cheapest way to make this happen without taking too much time.  In desperation, in the little time I had between responsibilities on campus, I went to a local costume shop.  After much looking and trying on things, I just wasn't finding what I needed.  At this moment of frustration, I happened to get a text from a friend who I had talked to about the costume.  In this text she sent me a picture of something she had found that would help me with my costume.  So, I called her to get her opinion on what I should get for my costume.  When I called her and told her I was in a costume shop, she laughed, because she said that her and another friend happened to be out looking for stuff for their costumes and were driving to costume shop at that moment to look for things themselves.  I couldn't believe the perfect timing.  When they arrived, they not only gave me advice, they went with me to another store to get me all the materials I needed.  One of them even came over tonight to help me make the costume.  Was this a coincidence?  No.  The Lord was helping me out, because I was stressed about the costume and needed help.  It relieved the stress of my day and also helped me function better in all the other things I needed to do.

On top of that tender mercy, there was a point earlier in the day where I was struggling with a personal problem that  I cannot share and at that exact moment a member of my ward texted me with a couple of scriptures that help them when they are down.  Was that a coincidence?  No.

The Lord loves me.  He showed it to me through these tender mercies.  One of the scriptures that my friend texted me yesterday was: "And moreover, I would desire that ye would consider on the blessed and happy state of those that keep the commandments of God.  For behold, they are blessed in all things, both temporal and spiritual; and if they hold out faithful to the end they are received into heaven, that thereby they may dwell with God in a state of neverending happiness.  O remember, remember that they things are true; for the lord God hath spoken it." - Mosiah 2:41

The Lord reminded me of the happiness found through his way.  His way leads me to everlasting happiness.  The world's way leads me only to short-lived temporary happiness that eventually leaves me lonely.  This last month, I have forgotten that a bit, and I'm grateful the Lord loves me enough to remind me of where true happiness lies.

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Too Much of a Good Thing

Today, I was tired.  I was tired of doing music.  I spent most my day in a tiny room practicing, practicing, practicing.  Some of the practicing was effective.  Some of it wasn't.  When it was effective, I was happy with myself.  When it wasn't effective, I was frustrated with myself.  I couldn't think clearly of how to approach Bach today.  It just wasn't happening.  Prokofiev, well, we connected quite well today.  In orchestra, I was frustrated with Schumann for writing such a tiring first movement of his third symphony for the second violins.  I devoted most my day to these composers and through it all, I had moments where I thought, I just want to get away from campus, from music and spend time with people I care about.  But, I knew that I needed to practice.  I needed to continue to prepare for my recital.

Preparing for my recital is important, but I go crazy if I spend too much time alone.  I start to feel lonely and lose sight of who I really am.  When I spend time with good friends and family, I am reminded of all that's good in my life.  How much I love that part of my life.  Unfortunately, that part of my life seems to be non-existent during the week right now.  I don't make it to any activities in my church that have these friends at it, because they are scheduled on nights I can't go.  I didn't think it would be a big deal, but I miss it.

Ironically, when I am not practicing, I feel this guilt, this anxiousness, that I need to practice.  It's a crazy feeling, because a part of me just wants to spend time with people, but a part of me longs for that time I spend with music.  This may sound weird to some and be hard for many to understand, but it's a part of me.

Then, there comes the spiritual side of me that longs to be full and when it is everything else goes better.  It's always a balance in life that we seek for.  We don't always find it, but when we do, life functions better.  Right now, I feel like I'm living in extremes.

 


Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Why I go to church every Sunday

Today, for my scripture study, I took the time to watch President Uchtdorf's talk from the Saturday morning session.  I was not able to watch it on Saturday, because I was working in Montgomery.  I was truly inspired by the words of this talk.  In a previous post, I talked about how when I was released from my calling, I had feelings about possibly going inactive, because I didn't feel needed by the ward.  After reading this talk, it really hit me.  Why do I go church?  Is it for the people?  I do love many of the people in my ward, but is that the driving reason?  No.  It's not.

As I think about why I go to church, I have always been told it is for the sacrament that we go to church to renew our covenants.  Well.  Is that really why I go?  Truthfully, I go to church to remind myself who I really am.  I go to remind myself of the eternal prospective of things.  I go so that I can come closer to God.  Even if I have really messed up during the week and feel lonely and without the spirit of the Lord, Church helps me get back on track.  I look back on the many weekends where I have forgotten to do scripture study and pray as much as I should.  Church has been a lifeline to me to help me know where in my life I need to repent.

When I think of those reasons, I realize they all point back to the Sacrament.  Part of the sacrament is remembering.  You look back on your week and see how you've done and then renew your covenants and your resolve to do to better that next week.  You remember the covenant you made with Heavenly Father and keep yourself on track towards keeping that covenant.  All the other parts of church support that.  That is why we always emphasize the sacrament. 

Now, the hard question comes.  What if I was in a ward where no one reached out to me or somebody really hurt me?  What if I had nothing in common with others in the ward? Would I still go to church?  This is my personal experience: When I moved to Tallahassee, I knew that I had a choice.  I could wait for others to reach out to me, or I could initiate the efforts first.  So, on the first Sunday I went up to the Bishopric and asked for callings and tried my best to get to know people.  And before I knew it, people reached out to me too and I have developed amazing friendships.  I have learned that I will find friends if  I am a friend to others.  When it comes to others hurting me in the church, I have not had as many problems with this.  I have often misjudged people for trying to hurt me and I have realized that it could be a number of things.  Usually, I misunderstood their intentions or meaning behind an action or comment.  I have often seen that it has nothing to do with me, but personal insecurities they are going through or things like stress from lack of sleep, feeling sick, having small children, or a really busy schedule.  Sometimes, it was simply due to their immaturity or ignorance.  Also, I have learned if someone is upset with me, I may have done something to hurt them and that I should make sure I apologize for it.  When I look at problems in my life, I realize a lot of them are due to my own personal mistakes or misconception.  If it isn't due to my own mistakes, then all I can do is do things that are within my control to fix it.

So, the answer comes.  Would I stop coming to church because of the people in the ward?  No.  Even if I absolutely despised someone in the ward, I just can't help going to church.  It's too important to my eternal happiness.  No matter how hard or great my week has gone, I need to go to church.

My last hard question is: what if I don't feel comfortable going to church, because I have sinned quite badly during the week and I don't see a way out?  I have had weeks like this more then I care to admit.  On those weeks, I know that I need church more than ever, Part of getting out of this slump will be feeling uncomfortable at church at first.  On those Sundays, I will have a hard time getting into the meetings at first, but then I take a leap of faith and open my heart to the Lord and then I learn that there is hope to get out and move forward through the atonement of Jesus Christ.  Sinning happens.  That's why Christ suffered for me, isn't it?  So that I can repent and then become like him.

I need church.  I wish I could plant this thought into every member ranging from the most less-active people who may even struggle with a belief in God all the way to the most active who may think that they can miss a Sunday here and there.  I understand that we have Sundays where we aren't able to go to church.  I have had Sundays like that and I must tell you, it is hard for me.  I feel like something crucial to my life was taken from me that week.  I hope that I will never have a time in my life where I make going to church on Sunday just an option. It should be a priority.  I say this not because I was told it my whole life, because I have experienced first-hand the blessings of it.


Saturday, October 5, 2013

Travel . . . a necessary part of life

This weekend I felt guilty.  On Friday afternoon, I ate at Subway.  Later that night I ate at Taco Bell.  Saturday morning (this morning) I ate at McDonalds and this afternoon I ate at Taco Bell again.  I know what your thinking: How wasteful.  You could have cooked a meal at home for so much less money and could have eaten more nutritionally.  Well, let me tell ya.  I only told you part of the story.

One month ago, I was offered a part-time violin teaching position at the Montgomery Music Project in Montgomery, Alabama.  This is a music program with sites at Elementary schools and other community locations in Montgomery, Alabama where students ranging from Kindergarten all the way to middle school are given the opportunity to learn violin, viola, or cello.  The program is run by an impressive faculty of musicians graduating from places like Yale, New England Conservatory, Julliard, and other such prestigious music schools.  To get such an opportunity was truly a blessing . . . except for one drawback:  Montgomery is 3 and a half hours away from Tallahassee where I presently live.  Luckily, the music program pays me a good amount for travel making it still worth my while financially.

With that said, every weekend that I don't have a conflict, I travel to Montgomery and stay there from Friday through Saturday afternoon meaning that I travel around 7 hours every weekend.  When I travel, it is really hard to avoid eating out especially when it can technically be covered in your travel compensation money.  But, today, I felt the effects.  I felt like a fat blob of processed food and now I just feel like running 5 miles a day, doing daily P90X or Insanity workouts, and eating lots of fruits, vegetables, and fish.  Of course, tomorrow, I will probably forget I even had these thoughts, but I just had to express my guilt.

I am a single guy and even though my physical appearance is only a small part of me as a person, I can't help but have moments where I wish I was more in shape and more appealing in that way.  I have often had the following thoughts when looking in the mirror like: "Man, Jared.  How could any girl in her right mind find this attractive?"  Of course, my friends and family would tell me, "Jared!  Don't say that.  That will only make you feel worse about yourself.  You are a very good-looking guy!"  As much as I appreciate those comments, I have to be honest with myself.  I haven't been that good at taking care of my body.  I am impulsive in my eating habits, and I have been very bad at exercising lately.  I haven't put in the effort.  That makes it my fault.

I can't rely on muscle building supplements or programs that don't take my own personal effort.  If I really want to get in shape, I have to put in the effort.  The problem is being already exhausted from the busy days that I have and even when I am not busy, I find myself still not making the time.  The question I have to ask myself is: Do I really want it? Or do I just complain about it to get comments of reassurance about my appearance?  Or am I just plain lazy?  As my life progresses I come to realize that I just need to be completely honest with myself.  If I try to avoid my problems, then it will just make my life harder in the end.  If I face them head on, then I will succeed.

Thursday, October 3, 2013

Each Life That Touches Our For Good

My life is busy right now, and with the long list of things I need to do, writing a blog definitely wasn't on my mind, but I was inspired by the words of the blogs of the women in my family and just feel like writing.

My life has been blessed in so many ways.  I was born into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, the youngest of 8 kids.  My parents were and still are faithful to living the gospel of Jesus Christ.  They have given me the ideal example of what a successful marriage is.  They have shown me through their continuously righteous, selfless lives how one finds true happiness.  All my siblings are amazing examples to me.  Many of them are married to amazing spouses and have beautiful children.  They also strive to live the gospel to its fullest.  My family is inspiring to me.  Who could ask for more?

For the past year, I have been far away from my family.  The only other time in my life I have lived this far away from them was when I served a mission.  I have been living in Tallahassee, Florida building my career as a violinist.  When I got here, I didn't know a single soul.  It was hard at first, but the Lord was mindful of me.  He blessed me with other members of the church who have become some of the best friends I have ever had.  People reached out to me in my first semester here in a way that I would have never expected, and I felt welcome.  The Lord showed me how much he loved me through them.  Right when I got here, I had a house to live in with good roommates who not only are easy to live with, but have been there for me constantly.  On top of that, the music program at Florida State University has been such an enormous joy to be a part of and my violin teacher has been a wonderful mentor and friend.  The blessings continue to pile up.

Last January, the Lord gave me another blessing.  He called me as Elder's Quorum President for my singles ward.  I had never had a church calling like it.  I had normally been in music callings, and I was given the chance to get to know the people in my ward in a way I had never known them before.  After many months, growing to love the people of my ward so dearly, I was released from my calling this last Sunday.  After so many blessings, this felt like a hard blow.  It felt right to be released, but part of me just wanted to hold on to that calling.  It had been a big part of my existence over the last nine months and I now have lost it.  It felt so good to feel needed and be so involved in the ward.

On top of losing this calling, now, with a combination of orchestra rehearsals, a new job, and preparations for my culminating Master's Violin Recital, I can't go to any of the activities during the week for the ward and can only make it to church on Sundays.  My only calling is ward organist and I hardly see my friends from the ward during the week.  The feeling of loneliness has crept into my life a bit.  This last weekend through the beginning of this week, I was sad.  I was feeling like it didn't matter if I was even in the ward anymore.  They didn't need me and sadly, I even was wondering if the Lord even needed me.  I was questioning whether it would be better if I went inactive for awhile.  Though these thoughts sound horrible, they were there.  To all who read this, please know that I have always had a testimony of the truthfulness of the Church of Jesus Christ Latter-Day Saints, but in my moment of struggle, my level of conversion was low.  I was in a weak spot.

In my weak spot, I continued on with school trying to keep busy.  On Tuesday night I came to my car to find a note on my windshield from a friend in the ward.  It was a simple note saying how awesome I am.  Later that night I send a message to that friend on facebook saying how grateful I was for that note.  She then answered me by saying how much everyone missed me at the activities and the special spirit I brought to them when I was there.  She thanked me for all I did in my calling and how wonderful I did.  She said I was a truly special person.  This friend was a saving grace for me that night.  The Lord showed to me his love for me through her.  It was exactly what I needed, and now I am finding joy in the journey.  I don't feel alone, and that is what I need to feel.

Being single can be hard sometimes, especially when you need someone to lean on.  But, I have been blessed with true friends.  I am reminded of the hymn, "Each Life That Touches Ours for Good".  I was touched this week, and my hope was rekindled for a brighter future.

Sunday, April 28, 2013

My First Solo Violin Master's Recital at Florida State University

Friday, March 29th, 2013

Hey Family and Friends!  I'm so sorry that my blogging turns out to be so short lived, but I wanted to at least share one of my most important moments of the year: My First Master's Recital!  This is my third degree recital since I joined the violin performance world in college and it was for sure the hardest recital I've played of the three.

As always I made a poster for my recital and of course it has a similar flare to the other posters.  I hope you can appreciate my work on it :)


The big highlight of the week of my recital was having my father with me.  Since I have been Florida I have been excited to have family down to visit and I was grateful that my father came down and supported me!  He flew in on the Tuesday before and left the Monday afterwards.  This was one of the first times in my life that I was alone with my father so far away from the rest of the family and I was so happy to spend that time with him.  Even though I had much to do while he was here and had to leave him at my house a lot, I was sincerely grateful to have much time to talk with him and be reminded how lucky I am to have such a kind gentle father.  Thanks Dad for coming and being such a great support!


On the week of my recital I had a few set-backs, but I felt like the recital turned out quite nicely.  Below, I have laid out my recital in 10 videos on a You Tube playlist with program notes accompanying them.  Make sure to select the HD option in watching each video to get the best quality.  

Here is the link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NqAv-V7O_Ak&list=PLfHXoRB3mZVvnTqXfn8p60VTjcybFknFU 
So, now the musical adventure begins . . .

My Recital Begins with . . .

Sonata for Solo Violin, Op. 27, No. 2 by Eugène Ysaÿe    

            To start out this musical adventure that we are embarking on, we start with the obsessions of Eugène Ysaÿe.  Around the turn into the twentieth century, Ysaÿe was considered by many to be the best living violinist at the time.  In 1923, he took that virtuosic talent and incorporated it into his six solo sonatas for violin.  In many ways he modeled these sonatas after the idea of J.S. Bach’s solo sonatas and partitas.  J.S. Bach was one of Ysaÿe’s obsessions.  In Sonata No. 2, the one I am playing tonight, Ysaÿe actually quotes parts of Bach’s Preludio from his 3rd Partita.  Ysaÿe’s second obsession was that of the Dies Irae from the Roman Catholic chant about the "Day of Wrath" or "Judgment Day." It has long been a symbol of death, used in requiems and by composers such as Berlioz in Symphonie Fantastique.  In every movement of this sonata the Dies Irae is used in some way.  This certainly was a darker obsession of Ysaÿe filling the sonata with eerie colors and textures.  Notably important to this sonata was its dedication to the famous violinist, Jacques Thibaud, a violinist known for having memory slips when performing and improvising through them.  Therefore, in the first movement there are moments where the violinist stops as if he is having a memory slip, but then moves into what sounds like an improvised virtuosic frenzy.  

Movement 1 - "Obsession"
This movement introduces Ysaÿe’s obsessions and pays homage to Jacques Thibaud’s memory slips.  Listen for the many quotes form Bach’s Preludio from his E Major Partita and of course, the Dies Irae.

Movement 2 - "Malinconia"
This melancholy movement offers a severe contrast from the first movement.  It is like a brief few minutes of reflection on a somber day.  To end it off, the Dies Irae enters as if the reflecting is on that of death, a loss of a loved one, or the suffering of a certain individual. 

Movement 3 - "Danse des Ombres"
Ysaÿe starts this movement with the Dies Irae composed in a church chorale-like setting with the violin plucking chords like a harp.  He then takes us through 6 variations of different characters and moods ending with the same chorale from the beginning played this time with the bow.



Movement 4 - "Les Furies"
This movement could be translated as “the furies”, which is an appropriate name for an intense frenzy of a movement.  Of all four movements, Les Furies certainly has some of the eeriest uses of the Dies Irae with a variety of extreme dynamic changes.  Using this ancient song of death, Ysaÿe escalates to the end and in a flash of fury, the movement’s finished. 

My Recital Continues With . . .

Sonata No. 3 in D Minor, Op. 108 for Violin and Piano by Johannes Brahms

Johannes Brahms has been known as one of the most celebrated composers of the 19th century.  His career as a composer was launched quickly by the genuine praise of the composer, Robert Schumann.  Schumann said, “A man of young blood has arrived who as a child was watched over by the graces and the heroes. His name is Johannes Brahms ... he has all the external signs which declare: here is one of the chosen!”  Receiving this praise was indeed helpful to Brahms’ image as a composer, but unfortunately it hindered his progress a bit.  Brahms felt in many ways that he couldn’t live up to the praise that Schumann had given him.  Though he still became a celebrated composer, it took him 20 years to compose his first symphony because of his own personal insecurities. 

            Brahms was not a violinist, but certainly wrote music standardly played by violinists.  This third sonata that I am playing tonight holds a strong place in violin sonata literature.  In previous program notes by David Kopplin, he says, “Brahms’ Violin Sonata No.3 in D minor, Op. 108, is a dramatic work; its demeanor is at times audacious and spectacular, and at other times somber and heart-wrenching.

Movement 1 - Allegro
 The violin bursts in at the top of the first movement Allegro, almost as if we are joining a work already in progress. What we hear in the opening is the stuff out of which the entire movement is meticulously crafted. 

Movement 2 - Adagio
The Adagio is testament to the violin’s music-making abilities and its almost human ability to sing.

Movements 3 & 4 - Un poco presto e con sentiment/Presto agitato
The curious third movement (Un poco presto e con sentiment, meaning “Upbeat, and with feeling”) is mercurial; Brahms’ good friend Clara Schumann said this movement was ‘like a beautiful girl toying with her lover.’”  The last movement is quite the contrast from the third movement.  Eric Bomberger describes it as follows : “By contrast, the Presto agitato finale hammers along a pounding 6/8 meter. The movement is aptly titled: this is agitated music, restless and driven. At moments it sounds frankly symphonic, as if the music demands the resources of a full symphony orchestra to project its furious character properly. Brahms marks the violin’s thematic entrance passionato, but he needn’t have bothered–that character is amply clear from the music itself. Even the noble second theme, first announced by the piano, does little to dispel the driven quality of this music. The complex development presents the performers with difficult problems of ensemble, and the very ending feels cataclysmic: the music slows, then suddenly rips forward to the cascading smashes of sound that bring this sonata to its powerful close.”

My Recital Ends With . . .  

Concerto in D Major, Op. 35 for Violin and Orchestra by Erich Korngold
            Erich Korngold was a talented film composer writing music for the film industry in the mid-twentieth century.  As talented as he was, his career as a film composer caused him to receive many criticisms from classical musicians that his music had little worth in the music world.  As soon as Korngold retired from composing for film, he proved this idea wrong and composed a variety of concert works one of them being his violin concerto.  In his concerto he did something that was a big unusual.  He incorporated themes from his movies.  The highly acclaimed violinist, Jascha Heifetz premiered the concerto and it has been widely performed throughout the years.  Presently, world-renown Hilary Hahn is touring this concerto around the world.

            When listening to this concerto there are certainly moments where one could say that they feel like they are in a movie.  So, sit back and relax like you’re at the movies and enjoy the lush romantic colors and melodies that Korngold develops in these three movements of his violin concerto.

Movement 1 - Moderato Nobile

Movement 2 - Romance

Movement 3 - Finale


After my recital, I found out there were 45 people there.  Even though I had so many people that said they would come that didn't come, I still had some dear friends there that I grateful came.  At this recital, I didn't have a reception afterwards, and I realized that part of the magic of my last two recitals was talking to people while eating good food.  I still got to talk to people though and I was grateful for that.

Here is me and my amazing accompanist, Dr. Deloise Lima
Deloise is on the piano accompanying faculty at Florida State University and is an amazing player.  It was such a pleasure playing with her.  I was certainly spoiled, because I got her for free.  The piano part on the Korngold Violin Concerto was incredibly awkward and difficult.  She had never played the concerto before playing it with me and she did a fabulous job!

Here are the many amazing friends that came to support me.  I love all of them dearly and am grateful to know them.
There were more than these people, but many had to leave before the picture was taken.

Overall, I felt good about my recital and enjoyed the wonderful music I was able to play.  I hoped you enjoyed it too!