Too Much of a Good Thing

Today, I was tired.  I was tired of doing music.  I spent most my day in a tiny room practicing, practicing, practicing.  Some of the practicing was effective.  Some of it wasn't.  When it was effective, I was happy with myself.  When it wasn't effective, I was frustrated with myself.  I couldn't think clearly of how to approach Bach today.  It just wasn't happening.  Prokofiev, well, we connected quite well today.  In orchestra, I was frustrated with Schumann for writing such a tiring first movement of his third symphony for the second violins.  I devoted most my day to these composers and through it all, I had moments where I thought, I just want to get away from campus, from music and spend time with people I care about.  But, I knew that I needed to practice.  I needed to continue to prepare for my recital.

Preparing for my recital is important, but I go crazy if I spend too much time alone.  I start to feel lonely and lose sight of who I really am.  When I spend time with good friends and family, I am reminded of all that's good in my life.  How much I love that part of my life.  Unfortunately, that part of my life seems to be non-existent during the week right now.  I don't make it to any activities in my church that have these friends at it, because they are scheduled on nights I can't go.  I didn't think it would be a big deal, but I miss it.

Ironically, when I am not practicing, I feel this guilt, this anxiousness, that I need to practice.  It's a crazy feeling, because a part of me just wants to spend time with people, but a part of me longs for that time I spend with music.  This may sound weird to some and be hard for many to understand, but it's a part of me.

Then, there comes the spiritual side of me that longs to be full and when it is everything else goes better.  It's always a balance in life that we seek for.  We don't always find it, but when we do, life functions better.  Right now, I feel like I'm living in extremes.