Tender Mercies to Remind Me of My Father in Heaven

On a daily basis this week, the Lord has reminded me how much he loves me.  Here are a few tender mercies he gave me:

Saturday

 On Friday afternoon, I found out that the bow I am using with the violin I am borrowing from my teacher had some problems that I needed to get fixed right away if I wanted to continue using it to prepare for my recital.  The only problem was that the nearest reliable violin shop to Tallahassee is in Atlanta, which is 5-6 hours away.  Luckily, I had the weekend off from my Montgomery job, because I had an orchestra concert on Friday night.  So, I took advantage of a mostly free Saturday and traveled to Atlanta.  

The only problem with going to Atlanta on Saturday was that I had promised to do something with a friend in the evening in Tallahassee, and I wasn't going to let them down.  I had looked forward to it all week.  To ensure this didn't happen, I woke up at 5:30 in the morning on Saturday after getting about 4 and a half hours of sleep and made the drive.  Now, this situation sounds pretty crazy and scary, doesn't it?  Some could say that I had hit a huge misfortune of having to make this trip to Atlanta, but here are the tender mercies the Lord showed me:

There happened to be another violinist that needed to go to Atlanta to get work done on his violin and two bows, and even though he wasn't able to drive (he's an international student), I had someone there to talk to when he was able to stay awake.  He also paid half the gas, which is a blessing.  Also, when I was getting really tired on the drive, I said a little prayer that I would be able to make it and somehow I hit a second wind and made it throughout the rest of the day without any problems.  To add to that, I got the opportunity to talk to my sister, Alena for an hour, which really meant a lot to me.  The last tender mercy was an unexpected one.  I got home a lot later than I had planned and I thought for sure that my friend would be upset, but instead, they were understanding and we still had a wonderful evening.

Sunday

Church in itself was a tender mercy to me this last Sunday.  All the lessons and the testimonies said things that I really needed to hear.  I also was able to bear my testimony, which was a great strengthening experience.  In the evening, I got to accompany a talented soprano in my ward on "O Divine Redeemer".

Monday

After not having time to play violin for two days, I performed two pieces in Studio class quite well.

Tuesday

After being in Tallahassee for more than a year, the full-time missionaries finally invited me to come teach a lesson with them to a student who is also musically inclined.  It uplifted me in a way that day that I desperately needed.

Wednesday

This Saturday night, our ward is have a Halloween Dance and I have been determined to create a fun costume.  Well, I have been so busy, that it has been hard to find time to even think about it.  I have been planning on being a Ringwraith from the Lord of the Rings and I was having a hard time figuring out the cheapest way to make this happen without taking too much time.  In desperation, in the little time I had between responsibilities on campus, I went to a local costume shop.  After much looking and trying on things, I just wasn't finding what I needed.  At this moment of frustration, I happened to get a text from a friend who I had talked to about the costume.  In this text she sent me a picture of something she had found that would help me with my costume.  So, I called her to get her opinion on what I should get for my costume.  When I called her and told her I was in a costume shop, she laughed, because she said that her and another friend happened to be out looking for stuff for their costumes and were driving to costume shop at that moment to look for things themselves.  I couldn't believe the perfect timing.  When they arrived, they not only gave me advice, they went with me to another store to get me all the materials I needed.  One of them even came over tonight to help me make the costume.  Was this a coincidence?  No.  The Lord was helping me out, because I was stressed about the costume and needed help.  It relieved the stress of my day and also helped me function better in all the other things I needed to do.

On top of that tender mercy, there was a point earlier in the day where I was struggling with a personal problem that  I cannot share and at that exact moment a member of my ward texted me with a couple of scriptures that help them when they are down.  Was that a coincidence?  No.

The Lord loves me.  He showed it to me through these tender mercies.  One of the scriptures that my friend texted me yesterday was: "And moreover, I would desire that ye would consider on the blessed and happy state of those that keep the commandments of God.  For behold, they are blessed in all things, both temporal and spiritual; and if they hold out faithful to the end they are received into heaven, that thereby they may dwell with God in a state of neverending happiness.  O remember, remember that they things are true; for the lord God hath spoken it." - Mosiah 2:41

The Lord reminded me of the happiness found through his way.  His way leads me to everlasting happiness.  The world's way leads me only to short-lived temporary happiness that eventually leaves me lonely.  This last month, I have forgotten that a bit, and I'm grateful the Lord loves me enough to remind me of where true happiness lies.

Too Much of a Good Thing

Today, I was tired.  I was tired of doing music.  I spent most my day in a tiny room practicing, practicing, practicing.  Some of the practicing was effective.  Some of it wasn't.  When it was effective, I was happy with myself.  When it wasn't effective, I was frustrated with myself.  I couldn't think clearly of how to approach Bach today.  It just wasn't happening.  Prokofiev, well, we connected quite well today.  In orchestra, I was frustrated with Schumann for writing such a tiring first movement of his third symphony for the second violins.  I devoted most my day to these composers and through it all, I had moments where I thought, I just want to get away from campus, from music and spend time with people I care about.  But, I knew that I needed to practice.  I needed to continue to prepare for my recital.

Preparing for my recital is important, but I go crazy if I spend too much time alone.  I start to feel lonely and lose sight of who I really am.  When I spend time with good friends and family, I am reminded of all that's good in my life.  How much I love that part of my life.  Unfortunately, that part of my life seems to be non-existent during the week right now.  I don't make it to any activities in my church that have these friends at it, because they are scheduled on nights I can't go.  I didn't think it would be a big deal, but I miss it.

Ironically, when I am not practicing, I feel this guilt, this anxiousness, that I need to practice.  It's a crazy feeling, because a part of me just wants to spend time with people, but a part of me longs for that time I spend with music.  This may sound weird to some and be hard for many to understand, but it's a part of me.

Then, there comes the spiritual side of me that longs to be full and when it is everything else goes better.  It's always a balance in life that we seek for.  We don't always find it, but when we do, life functions better.  Right now, I feel like I'm living in extremes.

 

Why I go to church every Sunday

Today, for my scripture study, I took the time to watch President Uchtdorf's talk from the Saturday morning session.  I was not able to watch it on Saturday, because I was working in Montgomery.  I was truly inspired by the words of this talk.  In a previous post, I talked about how when I was released from my calling, I had feelings about possibly going inactive, because I didn't feel needed by the ward.  After reading this talk, it really hit me.  Why do I go church?  Is it for the people?  I do love many of the people in my ward, but is that the driving reason?  No.  It's not.

As I think about why I go to church, I have always been told it is for the sacrament that we go to church to renew our covenants.  Well.  Is that really why I go?  Truthfully, I go to church to remind myself who I really am.  I go to remind myself of the eternal prospective of things.  I go so that I can come closer to God.  Even if I have really messed up during the week and feel lonely and without the spirit of the Lord, Church helps me get back on track.  I look back on the many weekends where I have forgotten to do scripture study and pray as much as I should.  Church has been a lifeline to me to help me know where in my life I need to repent.

When I think of those reasons, I realize they all point back to the Sacrament.  Part of the sacrament is remembering.  You look back on your week and see how you've done and then renew your covenants and your resolve to do to better that next week.  You remember the covenant you made with Heavenly Father and keep yourself on track towards keeping that covenant.  All the other parts of church support that.  That is why we always emphasize the sacrament. 

Now, the hard question comes.  What if I was in a ward where no one reached out to me or somebody really hurt me?  What if I had nothing in common with others in the ward? Would I still go to church?  This is my personal experience: When I moved to Tallahassee, I knew that I had a choice.  I could wait for others to reach out to me, or I could initiate the efforts first.  So, on the first Sunday I went up to the Bishopric and asked for callings and tried my best to get to know people.  And before I knew it, people reached out to me too and I have developed amazing friendships.  I have learned that I will find friends if  I am a friend to others.  When it comes to others hurting me in the church, I have not had as many problems with this.  I have often misjudged people for trying to hurt me and I have realized that it could be a number of things.  Usually, I misunderstood their intentions or meaning behind an action or comment.  I have often seen that it has nothing to do with me, but personal insecurities they are going through or things like stress from lack of sleep, feeling sick, having small children, or a really busy schedule.  Sometimes, it was simply due to their immaturity or ignorance.  Also, I have learned if someone is upset with me, I may have done something to hurt them and that I should make sure I apologize for it.  When I look at problems in my life, I realize a lot of them are due to my own personal mistakes or misconception.  If it isn't due to my own mistakes, then all I can do is do things that are within my control to fix it.

So, the answer comes.  Would I stop coming to church because of the people in the ward?  No.  Even if I absolutely despised someone in the ward, I just can't help going to church.  It's too important to my eternal happiness.  No matter how hard or great my week has gone, I need to go to church.

My last hard question is: what if I don't feel comfortable going to church, because I have sinned quite badly during the week and I don't see a way out?  I have had weeks like this more then I care to admit.  On those weeks, I know that I need church more than ever, Part of getting out of this slump will be feeling uncomfortable at church at first.  On those Sundays, I will have a hard time getting into the meetings at first, but then I take a leap of faith and open my heart to the Lord and then I learn that there is hope to get out and move forward through the atonement of Jesus Christ.  Sinning happens.  That's why Christ suffered for me, isn't it?  So that I can repent and then become like him.

I need church.  I wish I could plant this thought into every member ranging from the most less-active people who may even struggle with a belief in God all the way to the most active who may think that they can miss a Sunday here and there.  I understand that we have Sundays where we aren't able to go to church.  I have had Sundays like that and I must tell you, it is hard for me.  I feel like something crucial to my life was taken from me that week.  I hope that I will never have a time in my life where I make going to church on Sunday just an option. It should be a priority.  I say this not because I was told it my whole life, because I have experienced first-hand the blessings of it.

Travel . . . a necessary part of life

This weekend I felt guilty.  On Friday afternoon, I ate at Subway.  Later that night I ate at Taco Bell.  Saturday morning (this morning) I ate at McDonalds and this afternoon I ate at Taco Bell again.  I know what your thinking: How wasteful.  You could have cooked a meal at home for so much less money and could have eaten more nutritionally.  Well, let me tell ya.  I only told you part of the story.

One month ago, I was offered a part-time violin teaching position at the Montgomery Music Project in Montgomery, Alabama.  This is a music program with sites at Elementary schools and other community locations in Montgomery, Alabama where students ranging from Kindergarten all the way to middle school are given the opportunity to learn violin, viola, or cello.  The program is run by an impressive faculty of musicians graduating from places like Yale, New England Conservatory, Julliard, and other such prestigious music schools.  To get such an opportunity was truly a blessing . . . except for one drawback:  Montgomery is 3 and a half hours away from Tallahassee where I presently live.  Luckily, the music program pays me a good amount for travel making it still worth my while financially.

With that said, every weekend that I don't have a conflict, I travel to Montgomery and stay there from Friday through Saturday afternoon meaning that I travel around 7 hours every weekend.  When I travel, it is really hard to avoid eating out especially when it can technically be covered in your travel compensation money.  But, today, I felt the effects.  I felt like a fat blob of processed food and now I just feel like running 5 miles a day, doing daily P90X or Insanity workouts, and eating lots of fruits, vegetables, and fish.  Of course, tomorrow, I will probably forget I even had these thoughts, but I just had to express my guilt.

I am a single guy and even though my physical appearance is only a small part of me as a person, I can't help but have moments where I wish I was more in shape and more appealing in that way.  I have often had the following thoughts when looking in the mirror like: "Man, Jared.  How could any girl in her right mind find this attractive?"  Of course, my friends and family would tell me, "Jared!  Don't say that.  That will only make you feel worse about yourself.  You are a very good-looking guy!"  As much as I appreciate those comments, I have to be honest with myself.  I haven't been that good at taking care of my body.  I am impulsive in my eating habits, and I have been very bad at exercising lately.  I haven't put in the effort.  That makes it my fault.

I can't rely on muscle building supplements or programs that don't take my own personal effort.  If I really want to get in shape, I have to put in the effort.  The problem is being already exhausted from the busy days that I have and even when I am not busy, I find myself still not making the time.  The question I have to ask myself is: Do I really want it? Or do I just complain about it to get comments of reassurance about my appearance?  Or am I just plain lazy?  As my life progresses I come to realize that I just need to be completely honest with myself.  If I try to avoid my problems, then it will just make my life harder in the end.  If I face them head on, then I will succeed.

Each Life That Touches Our For Good

My life is busy right now, and with the long list of things I need to do, writing a blog definitely wasn't on my mind, but I was inspired by the words of the blogs of the women in my family and just feel like writing.

My life has been blessed in so many ways.  I was born into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, the youngest of 8 kids.  My parents were and still are faithful to living the gospel of Jesus Christ.  They have given me the ideal example of what a successful marriage is.  They have shown me through their continuously righteous, selfless lives how one finds true happiness.  All my siblings are amazing examples to me.  Many of them are married to amazing spouses and have beautiful children.  They also strive to live the gospel to its fullest.  My family is inspiring to me.  Who could ask for more?

For the past year, I have been far away from my family.  The only other time in my life I have lived this far away from them was when I served a mission.  I have been living in Tallahassee, Florida building my career as a violinist.  When I got here, I didn't know a single soul.  It was hard at first, but the Lord was mindful of me.  He blessed me with other members of the church who have become some of the best friends I have ever had.  People reached out to me in my first semester here in a way that I would have never expected, and I felt welcome.  The Lord showed me how much he loved me through them.  Right when I got here, I had a house to live in with good roommates who not only are easy to live with, but have been there for me constantly.  On top of that, the music program at Florida State University has been such an enormous joy to be a part of and my violin teacher has been a wonderful mentor and friend.  The blessings continue to pile up.

Last January, the Lord gave me another blessing.  He called me as Elder's Quorum President for my singles ward.  I had never had a church calling like it.  I had normally been in music callings, and I was given the chance to get to know the people in my ward in a way I had never known them before.  After many months, growing to love the people of my ward so dearly, I was released from my calling this last Sunday.  After so many blessings, this felt like a hard blow.  It felt right to be released, but part of me just wanted to hold on to that calling.  It had been a big part of my existence over the last nine months and I now have lost it.  It felt so good to feel needed and be so involved in the ward.

On top of losing this calling, now, with a combination of orchestra rehearsals, a new job, and preparations for my culminating Master's Violin Recital, I can't go to any of the activities during the week for the ward and can only make it to church on Sundays.  My only calling is ward organist and I hardly see my friends from the ward during the week.  The feeling of loneliness has crept into my life a bit.  This last weekend through the beginning of this week, I was sad.  I was feeling like it didn't matter if I was even in the ward anymore.  They didn't need me and sadly, I even was wondering if the Lord even needed me.  I was questioning whether it would be better if I went inactive for awhile.  Though these thoughts sound horrible, they were there.  To all who read this, please know that I have always had a testimony of the truthfulness of the Church of Jesus Christ Latter-Day Saints, but in my moment of struggle, my level of conversion was low.  I was in a weak spot.

In my weak spot, I continued on with school trying to keep busy.  On Tuesday night I came to my car to find a note on my windshield from a friend in the ward.  It was a simple note saying how awesome I am.  Later that night I send a message to that friend on facebook saying how grateful I was for that note.  She then answered me by saying how much everyone missed me at the activities and the special spirit I brought to them when I was there.  She thanked me for all I did in my calling and how wonderful I did.  She said I was a truly special person.  This friend was a saving grace for me that night.  The Lord showed to me his love for me through her.  It was exactly what I needed, and now I am finding joy in the journey.  I don't feel alone, and that is what I need to feel.

Being single can be hard sometimes, especially when you need someone to lean on.  But, I have been blessed with true friends.  I am reminded of the hymn, "Each Life That Touches Ours for Good".  I was touched this week, and my hope was rekindled for a brighter future.

My First Solo Violin Master's Recital at Florida State University

Friday, March 29th, 2013

Hey Family and Friends!  I'm so sorry that my blogging turns out to be so short lived, but I wanted to at least share one of my most important moments of the year: My First Master's Recital!  This is my third degree recital since I joined the violin performance world in college and it was for sure the hardest recital I've played of the three.

As always I made a poster for my recital and of course it has a similar flare to the other posters.  I hope you can appreciate my work on it :)

The big highlight of the week of my recital was having my father with me.  Since I have been Florida I have been excited to have family down to visit and I was grateful that my father came down and supported me!  He flew in on the Tuesday before and left the Monday afterwards.  This was one of the first times in my life that I was alone with my father so far away from the rest of the family and I was so happy to spend that time with him.  Even though I had much to do while he was here and had to leave him at my house a lot, I was sincerely grateful to have much time to talk with him and be reminded how lucky I am to have such a kind gentle father.  Thanks Dad for coming and being such a great support!

On the week of my recital I had a few set-backs, but I felt like the recital turned out quite nicely.  Below, I have laid out my recital in 10 videos on a You Tube playlist with program notes accompanying them.  Make sure to select the HD option in watching each video to get the best quality.  

Here is the link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NqAv-V7O_Ak&list=PLfHXoRB3mZVvnTqXfn8p60VTjcybFknFU 
So, now the musical adventure begins . . .

My Recital Begins with . . .

Sonata for Solo Violin, Op. 27, No. 2 by Eugène Ysaÿe    

            To start out this musical adventure that we are embarking on, we start with the obsessions of Eugène Ysaÿe.  Around the turn into the twentieth century, Ysaÿe was considered by many to be the best living violinist at the time.  In 1923, he took that virtuosic talent and incorporated it into his six solo sonatas for violin.  In many ways he modeled these sonatas after the idea of J.S. Bach’s solo sonatas and partitas.  J.S. Bach was one of Ysaÿe’s obsessions.  In Sonata No. 2, the one I am playing tonight, Ysaÿe actually quotes parts of Bach’s Preludio from his 3^rd Partita.  Ysaÿe’s second obsession was that of the Dies Irae from the Roman Catholic chant about the "Day of Wrath" or "Judgment Day." It has long been a symbol of death, used in requiems and by composers such as Berlioz in Symphonie Fantastique.  In every movement of this sonata the Dies Irae is used in some way.  This certainly was a darker obsession of Ysaÿe filling the sonata with eerie colors and textures.  Notably important to this sonata was its dedication to the famous violinist, Jacques Thibaud, a violinist known for having memory slips when performing and improvising through them.  Therefore, in the first movement there are moments where the violinist stops as if he is having a memory slip, but then moves into what sounds like an improvised virtuosic frenzy.  

Movement 1 - "Obsession"

This movement introduces Ysaÿe’s obsessions and pays homage to Jacques Thibaud’s memory slips.  Listen for the many quotes form Bach’s Preludio from his E Major Partita and of course, the Dies Irae.

Movement 2 - "Malinconia"

This melancholy movement offers a severe contrast from the first movement.  It is like a brief few minutes of reflection on a somber day.  To end it off, the Dies Irae enters as if the reflecting is on that of death, a loss of a loved one, or the suffering of a certain individual. 

Movement 3 - "Danse des Ombres"

Ysaÿe starts this movement with the Dies Irae composed in a church chorale-like setting with the violin plucking chords like a harp.  He then takes us through 6 variations of different characters and moods ending with the same chorale from the beginning played this time with the bow.

Movement 4 - "Les Furies"

This movement could be translated as “the furies”, which is an appropriate name for an intense frenzy of a movement.  Of all four movements, Les Furies certainly has some of the eeriest uses of the Dies Irae with a variety of extreme dynamic changes.  Using this ancient song of death, Ysaÿe escalates to the end and in a flash of fury, the movement’s finished. 

My Recital Continues With . . .

Sonata No. 3 in D Minor, Op. 108 for Violin and Piano by Johannes Brahms

Johannes Brahms has been known as one of the most celebrated composers of the 19^th century.  His career as a composer was launched quickly by the genuine praise of the composer, Robert Schumann.  Schumann said, “A man of young blood has arrived who as a child was watched over by the graces and the heroes. His name is Johannes Brahms ... he has all the external signs which declare: here is one of the chosen!”  Receiving this praise was indeed helpful to Brahms’ image as a composer, but unfortunately it hindered his progress a bit.  Brahms felt in many ways that he couldn’t live up to the praise that Schumann had given him.  Though he still became a celebrated composer, it took him 20 years to compose his first symphony because of his own personal insecurities. 

            Brahms was not a violinist, but certainly wrote music standardly played by violinists.  This third sonata that I am playing tonight holds a strong place in violin sonata literature.  In previous program notes by David Kopplin, he says, “Brahms’ Violin Sonata No.3 in D minor, Op. 108, is a dramatic work; its demeanor is at times audacious and spectacular, and at other times somber and heart-wrenching.

Movement 1 - Allegro

 The violin bursts in at the top of the first movement Allegro, almost as if we are joining a work already in progress. What we hear in the opening is the stuff out of which the entire movement is meticulously crafted. 

Movement 2 - Adagio

The Adagio is testament to the violin’s music-making abilities and its almost human ability to sing.

Movements 3 & 4 - Un poco presto e con sentiment/Presto agitato

The curious third movement (Un poco presto e con sentiment, meaning “Upbeat, and with feeling”) is mercurial; Brahms’ good friend Clara Schumann said this movement was ‘like a beautiful girl toying with her lover.’”  The last movement is quite the contrast from the third movement.  Eric Bomberger describes it as follows : “By contrast, the Presto agitato finale hammers along a pounding 6/8 meter. The movement is aptly titled: this is agitated music, restless and driven. At moments it sounds frankly symphonic, as if the music demands the resources of a full symphony orchestra to project its furious character properly. Brahms marks the violin’s thematic entrance passionato, but he needn’t have bothered–that character is amply clear from the music itself. Even the noble second theme, first announced by the piano, does little to dispel the driven quality of this music. The complex development presents the performers with difficult problems of ensemble, and the very ending feels cataclysmic: the music slows, then suddenly rips forward to the cascading smashes of sound that bring this sonata to its powerful close.”

My Recital Ends With . . .  

Concerto in D Major, Op. 35 for Violin and Orchestra by Erich Korngold

            Erich Korngold was a talented film composer writing music for the film industry in the mid-twentieth century.  As talented as he was, his career as a film composer caused him to receive many criticisms from classical musicians that his music had little worth in the music world.  As soon as Korngold retired from composing for film, he proved this idea wrong and composed a variety of concert works one of them being his violin concerto.  In his concerto he did something that was a big unusual.  He incorporated themes from his movies.  The highly acclaimed violinist, Jascha Heifetz premiered the concerto and it has been widely performed throughout the years.  Presently, world-renown Hilary Hahn is touring this concerto around the world.

            When listening to this concerto there are certainly moments where one could say that they feel like they are in a movie.  So, sit back and relax like you’re at the movies and enjoy the lush romantic colors and melodies that Korngold develops in these three movements of his violin concerto.

Movement 1 - Moderato Nobile

Movement 2 - Romance

Movement 3 - Finale

After my recital, I found out there were 45 people there.  Even though I had so many people that said they would come that didn't come, I still had some dear friends there that I grateful came.  At this recital, I didn't have a reception afterwards, and I realized that part of the magic of my last two recitals was talking to people while eating good food.  I still got to talk to people though and I was grateful for that.

Here is me and my amazing accompanist, Dr. Deloise Lima

Deloise is on the piano accompanying faculty at Florida State University and is an amazing player.  It was such a pleasure playing with her.  I was certainly spoiled, because I got her for free.  The piano part on the Korngold Violin Concerto was incredibly awkward and difficult.  She had never played the concerto before playing it with me and she did a fabulous job!

Here are the many amazing friends that came to support me.  I love all of them dearly and am grateful to know them.

There were more than these people, but many had to leave before the picture was taken.

Overall, I felt good about my recital and enjoyed the wonderful music I was able to play.  I hoped you enjoyed it too!

My First Orchestra Concert at FSU

September 21st, 2012

One of my favorite parts of Florida State University is the University Symphony Orchestra.  Directed by Dr. Alexander Jimenez, the orchestra consists of Doctoral, Master's, and upperclassmen Undergrad students.  One of the things I love the most about this orchestra is that it is quite professionally run and the orchestra members are rotated around for every concert so that there's not the feeling that any musician is better than the other.

For our first concert we played Beethoven's 3rd Symphony "Eroica" along with a new piece  composed by a local violinist and a Debussy Rhapsody performed by a Doctoral Clarinet student.  Here's the poster from the concert:

What made the concert even better was the support of people from my ward.  Here are some pictures they took from the evening:

 

As you can see, we had a great time!  And I think they really enjoyed the concert.  And it made me feel so loved knowing that even though I have no family close by, there are still people here to love and support me!